The holiday wanders each year from March to April. Exactly how is the Easter date set? The short answer is it falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon that follows the first day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere. The long answer requires a trip back through time more than 1,700 years ago.

H A P P Y E A S T E R

It's Easter weekend and there are eggs to be colored, baskets to be stuffed, food to be cooked and an apartment to be cleaned. If you celebrate it, have a lovely Easter. Hopefully, I'll be able to post a thing or two over the nex couple of days; if not, I'll see you on Monday!

New Feature

I'm trying out a new feature - a webfeed of entertainment headlines (see bottom left column). I'm not too sure how this is going to work out - let's consider it a test run. I tried to add another webfeed of online movie reviews to the right column, but it seems that I can't have more than one on a page. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure how it all works, so my problems adding a second section could easily be a result of my ignorance. I'll keep playing.

This woman claims to be the oldest living human - 121 years old. "She has 70 grandchildren, 60 great-grandchildren and 10 great-great-great-grandchildren."

"Police have seized 12 mini-penises which mysteriously appeared in a Belgian museum. Some of them had been dressed and were wearing hats."

Excuse me, I need to go wipe the tears from my eyes...

And in a continuing egg theme, this report from ABCNews.

Google in Klingon? That's just one of the Web Easter Eggs that cnet dishes up for you. You can also find an Easter Egg Archive at eeggs.com.

"I don't know if it was a need for transportation or if they just had the munchies."

I know they were on crack and all, but, uh, guys...if you're trying to elude the police, don't leave a trail of doughnuts.

VCR Alert

For Six Feet Under fans:

"Missed an episode? There's no need to grieve! This Saturday we're showing the first four episodes of Season 2, back-to-back, starting at 9 PM/8c. So when episode 5, "The Invisible Woman" airs on Sunday, you'll be caught up!"

Taser Target

This humorous bit taken from USAToday:

EUGENE, Ore. — The new carpeting at a new Target store is generating static electricity that seems to be zapping customers who push the metal-framed, metal-handled carts. The store has ordered $1,500 worth of anti-shock "kits" in an attempt to halt what has become an epidemic of static electricity since the store opened two weeks ago. As a solution, the retailer will outfit its 400 carts with a small metal chain or bar to "drain off" the static instead of allowing it to discharge through people.

Like Flies

I hesitate to post this. This wasn't intended, after all, to be an obituary page. But I couldn't let Billy Wilder's passing, well... pass without making note of it. Mr. Wilder was responsible for some of the best movies to come out of Hollywood. His diverse directing legacy encompasses comedy, film noir and drama. He was nominated for 21 Academy awards and won seven. One look at even a partial list of the films he was responsible for makes it all too clear that he was one of our greatest movie directors. A sampling:

The Lost Weekend
Double Indemnity
Sunset Boulevard
Stalag 17
Sabrina
The Seven Year Itch
Witness for the Prosecution
Some Like It Hot
The Apartment

And the list goes on. If you've never seen any of these pictures, do yourself a favor and visit your local video store this weekend. You won't be sorry.

Today was a bad day for funny men. Milton Berle died today as well. He was 93. Has anyone looked in on Bob Hope recently?

Sad news...Dudley Moore has died after suffering a long illness. Mr. Moore died from pneumonia, a complication of his disease, progressive supranuclear palsy.

He was such a funny man. When he falls out of the Rolls laughing in "Arthur", I laugh just as hard every time. And although this is very sad news, I had to smile at this quote from the article:

"Announcing his illness in 1999, he said: "I understand that one person in 100,000 suffers from the disease and I am also aware that there are 100,000 members of my union, the Screen Actors Guild, who are working every day.

"I think, therefore, it is in some way considerate of me that I have taken on the disease for myself, thus protecting the remaining 99,999 members from this fate."

"It's the Oscars of Defensiveness (TM): Four-plus hours in which Hollywood tries to pretend it's not racist -- and Tom Cruise is revealed as that Scary Flaming Eye from "Lord of the Rings.""

Those of you who enjoy watching the Oscars may want to steer clear of this somewhat mean-spirited and scathingly funny Salon column: Oscars 2002 - Somebody Make It Stop!. I haven't read anything this funny in a long time.

O H, G R O S S.

Murderabilia

Now I've seen everything: serial killer action figures. The question is, who's more twisted: the guy who makes these figures or the people who buy them? As Johnson says, "If the interest wasn't there, I wouldn't be here."

Full Disclosure

Playboy wants Enron women to bare it all. For the Bankruptcy Babes issue?

Ever wonder what I would look like in a bikini? (wait -- don't answer that question, I don't want to know) Well, wonder no more and feast your eyes on My Virtual Model, because this is close as you are ever going to get to seeing me in a bikini. Does it look like me? Add some boobage and a bit more belly and maybe...



...but mostly it looks like Joanna Cassidy.

[thanks, asianbastard]

Into the Mystic

I'll be spending the rest of the weekend in Mystic with my sisters and some friends. Mystic is an old-time whaling town, just chock full of historical landmarks and a cool aquarium.

All the news that's fit to blog when I get back!

Meet Marty


click on photo to open larger image

We have a new member of the family, and his name is Marty. He seems to like to have his picture taken. Can you guess who we named him after?

"A light tap on the side of your head could one day restore your eyesight, believe scientists." No wonder none of the Three Stooges wore glasses.

Actually, it's the squeezing of an eyeball, the process of which makes the eyeball either longer or shorter, that would in theory improve eyesight. The analogy of the peeled hard-boiled egg really skeeves me out, but it's an interesting concept.

From the ABCNews Crimeblotter:

K E Y S T O N E, Iowa — Good Samaritans on Highway 30, look out!

Billy Lee pulled over after witnessing an accident in front of him on Iowa's Highway 30. After narrowly avoiding hitting a van involved in the collision, he jumped out to offer help.

As he assisted the woman who had been driving the van, Lt. Roger Brown of the Iowa State Patrol said, she told him, "I don't think I'd let him drive your car, he's drunk."

Lee looked up and saw the driver of the other car involved in the accident jump into Lee's Ford Escort and drive off.

The man in Lee's car, later identified by police as Brenton Roberts, headed north on Highway 30. He had been driving his father's car with an unidentified friend, whom he abandoned at the scene of the accident. He was apparently trying to get to the Meskwaki Settlement, an Indian territory where his father lived.

About 15 minutes after the first incident, Roberts got into a second accident, Brown said. When another good Samaritan stopped to help, Roberts asked him how to get to Meskwaki.

"He points him to the right direction and the next thing you know, he takes the guy's pickup," Brown said.

Officers including two local police chiefs chased Roberts — again on Highway 30 — into the Meskwaki Settlement.

There, Roberts allegedly tried to run over the Tama County Police chief, who shot out the tires of Roberts' vehicle. Roberts then surrendered, Brown said, to face multiple felony counts, including attempted murder.

"There were a lot of charges," Brown said.

Roberts was treated for minor injuries, as were several other people involved in the two accidents.

"The Dangerous Logic of Wooing", or, "A Room Full of Giant Udders".

Andrea Yates kills her 5 children and the response is outrage, and justifiedly so; a California man kills his five children and there's nary a peep from the media. Interesting.

Public school's zero tolerance" policy goes too far once again as a teenager is expelled for having his grandmother's bread knife in the back of his truck.

The world's stinkiest sneakers belong to a boy from Connecticut. Yet another reason I'm proud to live in the Nutmeg State.

Woman Bites Off Husband's Genitals. Do I detect a trend developing?

First day of Spring, my ass!

Two men in New Jersey have been convicted of disorderly conduct for spraying a noxious gas in a supermarket, forcing the evacuation of the store. Check out how old those two are! Despite their respective ages, they are neophytes; my father could clear the store under his own steam, so to speak, and very nearly has on a few occasions.

[thanks, fark]

This guy should be named Tooter, not Tillie. You know, "toot your whistle"...I know, boooo.

Thar it blows!

This just feels so wrong to me. "Ultimately they are commodities...not things that have characters." What a sentimental old fool he is.

Eddie, I hardly knew ya.

"Confessions of a former celibate." The Catholic Church needs to stop thinking in centuries and needs to abolish the vow of celibacy. I think the firestorm of sexual abuse allegations ripping through the Church right now is directly related to the celibacy requirement. It would not come as a surprise to me to find out that many of these priest-abusers sought refuge in the priesthood, hoping the vow of celibacy would help them control their desires. Allowing priests to marry would open up the field to millions of good men who are currently unwilling to foresake the blessings of a wife and children in service to the Church. Of course, if women could be priests...

WGirls. LOL, people are sick. (it takes a while to load, but it's worth it)

[thanks, usr/bin/girl]

You are where you live. The closest fit for me is the Microvision segment "On Their Own", although the Media and Geography sections are way off-base.

[thanks, fark]

"Liza's Wedding from Bizarro Land." What a freak show that must have been. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that reception!

"The nominations for Best Picture in the Academy Awards for 1982 were as follows: "Gandhi," "Tootsie," "Missing," "The Verdict," and "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial." The award went to Richard Attenborough's "Gandhi," a film that, like "A Bridge Too Far" and other large-scale Attenborough projects, appeared to last twice as long as the historical events it described. "

Or, as one of my professors at the time put it, "They gave it to a guy who walked around in his underwear for 3 hours." This New Yorker review of "E.T." is more dissertation than review, but it's a must-read for lovers of the 1982 movie, which is being re-released into theaters this Friday, as part of its 20th anniversary.

Badump Bump!

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."



A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink. "Why, of course!" comes the reply The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say! I'm from Ireland, too. Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course!" replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Lets have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in `62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man cries. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in `62 also!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."



An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing
it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."



Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's off license. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"



An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Dingle Peninsula, National Geographic's Picture of the Day.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

And it's no, nay, never!
No nay never no more,
Will I play the wild rover
No never no more.

Music and lyrics to Irish traditional, drinking and folk songs. You don't want to be the only one not singing along the next time you visit the pub, now do ya?

In keeping with the holiday, I invite you to revisit my Ireland photos page.

Man, that's freaky-lookin'!

Don't forget - St. Patrick's Day is Sunday...

"Former failed figure skater Tonya Harding combined minimal movement with perspicacious punching to score a third-round TKO over past political pawn Paula Jones Wednesday in a bout that signaled either a promising beginning for Fox Television's fledgling People You Never Wanted to See Again Doing Things You Never Wanted to See Them Do division or the end of civilization as we know it. Possibly both. "

I may be too much of a snob to watch it on television, but I'm not above reading what another snob thinks of it. ;)

"After a row Damron unsheathed a sword while Cavalier raised a 9mm handgun."

The jig is up, Miss Cleo -- er, Harris.

Invisibles #66: A Military Salute. (7 out of 8!)

XP speaks back. Imagine being at work and typing a doument for your boss while you're complaining to a co-worker about him/her. Hehe.

So there's still hope for me?!

An elderly German woman dies of hypothermia after being mistakenly declared dead and put into cold storage. The doctor said he could tell by the color of her skin that she was dead. Whatever happened to checking for a pulse?

Best in Show Eaten by Second-Best

MUNTO, COMMENOR -- Horror turned to controversy at the Annual Mid-Rim Domesticated Sub-Sentient Show. When prize Sullustan wilwog Itipiniwi was awarded first prize, her owner became hysterical. Following her master's lead, Itipiniwi began to yip loudly, arousing the sensitive ears of the runner-up Boshuda, a Kashyyyk bolstyngar. To put an end to the noise, the bolystyngar snatched up the much smaller animal and swallowed it. Because the consumption of an opponent is not yet addressed by the pageant guidelines, Boshuda was named Best in Show due to forfeit. "I only feed him the best," commented Boshuda's owner.


Clever marketing tool for Episode II. And funny, too.

The devil may be able to find work for idle hands, but he's been ignoring my idle mind.

I went to the bank today to deposit my umpteenth unemployment check, and it was there that I realized, in a brief yet terrifying moment, how detached I have become from the civilized world. There was no line, so I proceeded directly to the teller window and began filling out my deposit slip. I was writing in the date, March 12,...March 12th,...March 12, what?? Oh my God, what year is it?? Is it 2001? Or 2002? I panicked, staring at the deposit slip, wondering what type of reaction I would be risking if I said to the teller, "Um, excuse me...I've been out of work for almost 5 months now and my brain has severely atrophied from lack of use and I'm finding it hard to remember even the most insignificant of details, and, well..could you tell me what year this is?" No, that wouldn't do. Barely a few seconds had passed, but someone was sure to notice the way I was staring slack-jawed at the deposit slip. I made a guess. Thankfully, it was the right one.

Have you ever had a song, one that you haven't heard in a very long time, stir up a long forgotten memory, one that you wish would have remained forgotten? Picture this: a tall, slightly chubby, immensely awkward 13-year-old girl doing a gymnastics floor mat routine as part of her Phys Ed final, which is choreographed (a term I use loosely) to the song "I Go Crazy", by Paul Davis. And people wonder why I would never want to repeat my teenage years.

"TV Barn has been furnished with David Letterman's remarks, made on the "Late Show" telecast taped this afternoon in New York."

In case you didn't catch Letterman (which I didn't), you can see what Dave had to say at TVBarn.

(posted Monday, March 11, "What Dave Said")

A Tribute in Light. Looking at those two beams of light, one can imagine them as the trails of the souls of those who died that day, ascending into the heavens.

Spike or Angel? No contest, luv.

Huskies take two overtimes to win Big East tournament.

I pay only fleeting attention to college basketball most times, so when I read that headline this morning, I had assumed it was the women's Huskies who won the Big East title. The ladies are undefeated in both their conference and overall, so imagine my surprise when I found out that it was the 19th ranked men's team! Congratulations, boys!

Filmwise Timewasters

Here's this week's Invisibles quiz, #65, here are the answers to last quiz. While you're there, check out their latest Visuals quiz, The Eyes Have It.

And this should help to be more like Zillah!

My brain is pudding today, so I shall have to resort to a quiz. I like this one, though:

You are most like Zillah who drank too much gin! Created by Thren. Which Gashlycrumb Tiny are you?

On the nosey!

[thanks, snarkcake!]

How the hell can someone do this to another human being? To be so callous, so cruel? I cannot comprehend that level of indifference.

"Is it cruel and unusual punishment to deprive an American of his right to watch television?"

It would certainly teach me a lesson.

As Scully said, "The answers are there. You just have to know where to look for them." From The Atlanta Journal:

The city's most famous knight has an equally famous new wife -- at least in his new video. Actress Elizabeth Taylor plays Elton John's significant other in the upcoming video for "Original Sin," the third single from the singer's critically acclaimed album, "Songs From the West Coast."

All is right with the world. Sorta.

Huh?

Overheard while watching television: "Elizabeth Taylor is soon to become Mrs. Elton John." I'm sorry but, quoi?

I have to find out what this is all about...after Six Feet Under.

"Oo! That smells nasty!"

I'm not really sure what this quiz, Who's your odd British actor, is purporting to say; am I like Tim Roth? Or do I want to shag him?

All, essentially, in the name of God:

In rapid succession Tuesday, a Palestinian man opened fire on a crowded Tel Aviv nightclub, a suicide bomber blew himself up on an Israeli bus, gunmen ambushed Israeli motorists in the West Bank and a mysterious blast went off in the Gaza Strip. [Yahoo]

Hundreds of U.S. troops and waves of B-52 bombers pounded snowcapped mountains Monday and early this morning in Afghanistan, where a recently built-up force of al-Qaeda and Taliban fighters were mounting a furious defense near the Pakistan border. [USA Today]

More than 570 people, mainly Muslims, died in six days of violence in Gujarat state that erupted when a Muslim mob burned 58 Hindu pilgrims alive in an attack on a train last Wednesday. [Yahoo]

NYTimes op-ed by Ted Koppel, defending the relevance of ABC's "Nightline" in the wake of recent negotiations between the network and CBS's Letterman. It is a very sad day in American culture when someone like Koppel has to defend, to his own network, the relevance of a hard-hitting, journalistically superior news program in what is essentially war time.

Key West III

Yet more photos from the Key West trip.

(mouseover thumbnail image for description)

"All video games, or at least the ones I have seen, tend to ... involve some combat of some sort," Pierce says. "And Ethnic Cleansing is like that, too, but it is different, in that it tries to raise the racial consciousness of the player."

However abhorrent the existence of these games is, the implication that open source programming shares responsibility for their existence is just plain irresponsible; next they'll be accusing the printing press of enabling these hate groups in the distribution of their message. The tools are available to all of us. If we don't use them to further a better agenda, then that's our own fault.

Not Necessarily the News

Mo Rocca's Top ten ways to keep Letterman at CBS. Hehe.

[thanks tvbarn]

Tonight on TV

Two of my favorite television shows are returning with new episodes tonight and they are on at the same freakin' time. The X-Files returns from a long hiatus with "Provenance", the first of a two-parter, tonight at 9:00 P.M. I'm excited about the episode if only because we're getting some actual continuity with the return of the Biogenesis-ship. Woohoo!

Season 2 of Six Feet Under premieres on HBO tonight, also at 9:00. Thankfully, HBO and HBOPlus rerun the episodes ad nauseum during the week, so I'll have plenty of opportunity to catch it in the next couple of days. If you end up watching either of these shows, enjoy!

He's lucky that's all she bit off.

Key West II

More photos from the Key West trip.

(mouseover thumbnail image for description)